Forget Paleo, Miami Beach or the 5:2 diets – Empower management has traveled all the way to the Northern Territory to test out the latest scientifically backed plan – the True Blue Aussie Outback Lifestyle program .
It all starts at Uluru at 4.15am with country music blasting outside your tent. Why so early you ask? Because by 5am the sweating sets in. As I found it difficult to perform basic functions such as dressing and talking let alone eating breakfast in the pitch dark, not many calories were consumed – off to a good start.
You thought Seanies 6.30am Run Squad X was challenging? Why not give climbing red dusty boulders, canyons, hills and mountains in 38 degree heat a try. By 10am you have hiked 7km up and down the most rugged terrain – which on a straight paved path would have taken you directly from the studio to Bondi Beach.
Its taken a while but now I am used to being followed around the weights equipment like a toddler by McSweaty force feeding me a drink bottle filled with 600ml of icy cold water. Out here it is recommended to drink at least 1 litre of water each and every hour. However, they failed to mention that what starts out at 4.15am as tepid water is half way through your hike hot enough to add a tea bag. (only Bushells available no T2 French Earl Grey). Not very refreshing to put it politely.
Delirious and sweaty after the daily hike I stumbled onto the truck hoping for some much needed rest. Within 5km the truck had magically transformed into an infra red sauna with a personalised vibration belt (lucky I was wearing a sports bra). By this time there was so much sweat dripping down our bodies that in the words of my favourite niece Lucy: “it is hard to work out whether it’s sweat or I have pissed my pants.”
Unfortunately due to travelling with Segelov children (not known for volume control) we were relegated to the back of the truck. Let me explain that the airflow stops in row 2. The only escape from the sauna was having your turn sitting up front in the drivers cabin. But there is a catch – it requires you to be able to haul yourself up two metres to the seat – a task which proved impossible without Patty my official bum pusher (how else do you think I got over the walls at Tough Mudder). I am now cured of my dream of having an infra red sauna in the studio.
Snacks on the Great Aussie Outback Eating Plan consist of flies, flies and more flies. The good news is they require no cooking and fly directly into your mouth – whether you want them or not. Check out their macros I found in the Empower app: Protein 7g, Carb 0g, Fat 1g per fly.
At night, when you stumble into your swag you have fulfilled your daily water requirements many times over. The only problem is leaving your swag in the middle of the night to pee as the wild dingoes circle and howl. For four nights I have never crossed my legs so hard whilst dreaming of a toilet.
All in all Empower management gives the True Blue Aussie Outback Lifestyle program a 5 star health rating – the views are incredible (even from the tin shed toilet with no door), the cardio rewarding and the night sky filled with stars – food for your soul.
WARNING – getting your foot stuck between boulders followed by a complete melodramatic meltdown and having to be rescued by your children may damage your self esteem.
DOUBLE WARNING – all your good work can be undone in an instant when you finally reach Alice Springs dirty and smelly with every muscle aching and you must celebrate with the local delicacy of deep fried mars bar and banana spring rolls. As the saying goes … when in Rome!