Never trust someone who ….

We all know how this sentence ends.  Never trust someone with two first names.  Never trust someone who is friends with your enemy.  Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back.

But for me, the most golden of all the golden rules of trust is this:

NEVER, EVER TRUST SOMEONE WHO SAYS THEY ARE NOT REALLY INTO FOOD.

The minute you hear these words spoken from an individual – defriend them on social media.  Send their call directly to voicemail.  Not being into food is a crime against humanity.  People who say that they aren’t really into food could quite possibly be the incarnation of the devil.

People who are completely indifferent to eating might just be the most untrustworthy people you could meet. I’m not saying that you have to be a full-blown foodie and wear a cravat Matt Preston style, but if you are one of those people who only eat to sustain life, then we just cannot put our faith in you. Now, if you are someone who is planning your next meal as you are reading this, then my email password is Ali Baba – I trust you with everything.

The worst is when I hear a non-foodie say: “Yeah, I was just so busy today that I forgot to eat.”  People that say such things are horrible people who probably forget to call their mum on Mother’s Day or fart in public then move away incriminating someone else.  I mean, come on. You forgot to eat?! What is wrong with you?!!

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Never in my life have I “forgotten” to eat a meal, let alone a snack.  My mother, in her speech at my wedding declared: “Dana was a rebellious girl who always managed to make it home in time to eat all her dinner.”

If I am too busy to eat, the entire time I am busy being busy, the only thing that runs through my head is, “Why am I not eating right now?”

People who aren’t into food are the same misguided people who love to exclaim, “Well, I do have a TV (the latest flat screen curved technology suspended half-way down a wall of glass), but I don’t watch it.” They are so proud of themselves for that fact. Why do those ridiculous people even own a TV?

If you really don’t like food, in my unprofessional opinion you are clinically insane.

Compulsive overeating is my life.  There is never a time that I am not consumed with food. I’m either thinking about food or eating food whilst simultaneously planning my next meal.  No one has any idea how much food I eat, or how much I think about eating. I eat normally in front of people, and sneak the rest late at night whilst no one is watching.

I have a great life, wonderful kids and family, amazing and supportive friends.  But when I am stressed, I inhale sourdough toast with butter and vegemite.  When I’m sad, my two best friends are Ben and Jerry.  I have often binged before I realise what I am doing and then I feel so ashamed at how much I have eaten.

I have good days and I have bad days…

Some experts say “It’s healthy to emotionally eat once in a while—to eat for comfort, to celebrate, or just because…”

I certainly have listened to the experts and now seem to have the hang of celebrations.  Let’s examine my last 4 months.  Celebrations started with Xmas parties (Jesus was Jewish so I can guiltlessly enjoy Christmas pudding), Chanukah jam donuts, New Years Eve champagne, hot cross buns in the lead-up to Easter, Easter Eggs with caramel centres and finally a long, indulgent Mother’s Day lunch.

I have had many people ask my friends (not me) why I never seem to lose weight when I exercise every single day.  I would like those people to understand that my binge eating is not about willpower, being weak or greedy.  Every time I experience discomfort or pain, I seem to have a brain fart. As soon as I start to feel even one iota of anxiety or anger, I convince myself that high carb sugary food will soothe me. And though logically I know that food does not solve my frustrations and my fears, I’ve done a convincing job on my insecure self that it does. In the aftermath I suffer further: the guilt and shame, the self-recrimination, the way I view myself and my body and the most frustrating fact that I consistently self-sabotage my weight loss journey.

These last few years I’ve turned into an escapist. I want to run away when I feel threatened emotionally.  Lucky for me I’m injured at the moment and unable to run.  Instead I am learning to take it one day, one moment and one decision at a time (big thankyou to my text buddy Little Miss Chatterbox). I am trying to remain in the present and let myself feel whatever emotion washes over me, and not be afraid.

And if that doesn’t work, I’m thinking of opening an ice-cream shop on Bondi Rd right next to the Empower studio with radical new flavours such as:

“I REGRET NOTHING”

“THE STRESS RELIEVER”

“I’M STARTING TOMORROW”

“BETTER THAN SEX”  

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