Last week I sat down with McSweaty for an Empowerment session where we set goals. I’ve lost my way recently, succumbing to my oldest, bad habit of using food as my therapist and friend … and what a crap friend food has turned out to be! Certainly not the BFF I thought, my Best Friend Forever – NO, unfortunately much more like the Bitchy Fake Friend I thought I got rid of years ago.
When the binging starts late at night (mostly sourdough bread with lashes of butter and vegemite or endless bowls of Nutri-Grain) it tastes good, but after consuming embarrassingly large quantities there is the familiar discomfort, which inevitably leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, disgust and intense emotional pain.
Which, at this point, any sane person would have to ask: why continue to binge? Well, its not really about the food, I have come to understand that it is all about what the food represents.
There was no escaping McSweaty’s questions …. “what’s the food doing for you?” and when I stare into space and refuse to answer the probing continues “what if you couldn’t have the food, what would be missing for you?” And so it went on and on like a bad date … no escaping his intense glare directly into my soul!
These are hard questions for me and in the future when I can finally understand what role food and binging is fulfilling for me, then maybe I can meet those unmet needs in a much more healthy way (preferable one that doesn’t involve food!). This will require a lot of soul searching and awareness around what I am feeling and thinking when I binge. This will take time.
As a temporary measure, (because very soon none of my bras will fit me), I have to re-set my short-term goals I am focusing on.
The simple fact is that for my goals to be powerful, they need to be SMART. There are many variations of what SMART stands for, but the essence is this – my goal should be:
Which got me thinking …. Sure, my ultimate goal is to be 69kgs but I just can’t relate to that goal at this point of my journey. I am convinced I was born at 3.4kgs and the very next day weighed in the 80’s – along with my hair ! (bring back the perm please)
I then had an epiphany… What I needed were some more relatable goals that I am desperate to achieve – as if my life depended on their success. So I sat down and re-wrote some more motivating goals …
I want to be the thinnest of all my 4 sisters (there are 6 of us but I won’t include my brother as he never had to do any housework growing up and I’m still processing that bias!) This is a life-long dream that has alluded me thus far… growing up I was the only fat Segelov sister. Let’s face it, I’m like the Cinderella of the family waiting for my pumpkin to turn into a coach and take me somewhere exciting looking ravenous …. Currently my Saturday afternoons are torturous as they are spent being schlepped from designer shop to designer shop telling my sisters how fab they look while I sit there sobbing into my green tea because nothing even remotely fashionable fits me … let alone makes it over my left thigh!
I am just going to be brave and declare: I WANT SEXY UNDIES ! I’m growing sooooo tired of Kmart sensible cottontails for the fuller, rounder figure. The day I fit into Victoria’s Secret Cheeky Strappy Lacy numbers, that will be my Everest moment. And just like Cinderella, if the G-String fits …
I will admit that over my life-time I have tried every fad diet known to mankind – the weirdest being the Olive Oil Diet in the 90s which resulted in an emergency Cholecystectomy. But I will do this one meal at a time, one day at a time, feeling supported as I know that McSweaty is diligently checking over all my meals in the food diary I have logged – preferably before I eat the food to avoid a Dana Segelov special calorie train wreck!
There is nothing unrealistic about my short-term goals. It’s not like my sisters are Olympic athletes or Victoria Secret models … they just have the huge advantage of not being emotionally attached to food. But my secret advantage will be my motivation … nothing tastes as good as success!
Veruka Salt famously barked in my favourite movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – “I want a golden ticket and I want it now!” I know I know, slowly but surely is the only sustainable way to keep weight off and make long-term healthy lifestyle changes. But at this rate I’m not going to fit into the seat of a motorised scooter when the time comes and I must confess I harbour a secret desire to terrorise the teenagers who wander aimlessly around Westfield for hours on end …
There is no time to waste … Victoria’s Secret here I come!